


Feeling Good

by DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered



Series: Many Little AUs for the Purpose of Exploding the Lilshotgun Tag [8]
Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: AU, Background Avatrice - Freeform, F/F, References to Drugs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:27:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26502886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered/pseuds/DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered
Summary: 70s soul singers. I don't know. The title comes from the Nina Simone song mentioned in the fic, found here: https://tinyurl.com/q3v5ggf
Relationships: Sister Lilith/Shotgun Mary (Warrior Nun)
Series: Many Little AUs for the Purpose of Exploding the Lilshotgun Tag [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1905607
Comments: 28
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

Lily sang blue-eyed soul like she was born and bred to do it.

That was because she was. Her mother was a pop singer, her grandmother ajazz singer, her great grandmother an opera singer. She had the genes and the overbearing stage parenting to make sure that she was everything she ought to be.Her voice was a precision instrument, and her long, lean body looked good under any color stage lighting.In 1977, that meant white satin jackets with fringe, flared leg trousers, blue lights, songs about missing her boy, and a bunch of hot girls singing backup.

_“…and boy I really miss your love,_

_Ooh boy, I really miss your love…”_

Lily wasn’t really sure she wanted to sing this stuff but it was never presented as an option. Of course she was going to sing. Of course she was going to sing what was big now. Rock and roll was for losers. Soul, according to her mother, was classy.Lily decided to just leave out how much cocaine was going up peoples’ noses at after parties.

_“…and I’m livin’ the good life, good life_

_Even if I can’t have you…”_

She suspected her backup singers were actually better than she was: Ava, the sandy-blond soprano with way too much energy, Beatrice, the cool, smooth alto holding it all together, and Mary.

Mary.

Mary with her glorious Afro and her platform boots big enough to wreck a building. Aloof, taciturn off stage but onstage? Well, she was special.

It was Lily’s crowd, they were there for her, and she knew it, but sometimes she felt the others commanded more than their share of attention. Still, they were the best to be had, shy of the most in-demand background singers like Nona Hendrix and Darlene Love. Chicks like them were singing for the Rolling Stones and groups like that.Lily’s girls had been singing together a little while at this point and their blend was perfect.

Lily didn’t know what she wanted to be singing about, but it wasn’t this. She smiled and waved to the crowd, blew them a few last kisses as the lights went down, and exited stage left, leaving someone else to gather up the roses that inevitably got thrown onstage at the end of the night.

“Your encore was a little rushed,” her mother said as she sat cooling off in her dressing room. She heard the chatter of the band and the girls as they streamed past.

“It was fine,” Lily grunted.

Her mother shook her head. “Look, if you’re going to phone it in, people are going to stop coming.”

Lily looked up sharply. “Is that what happened to you?”

Her mother glared for a moment, deposited a small, pale blue Tiffany’s box on the dressing table, snarled, “Happy birthday, Lily,” and marched off.

Lily opened the bottle of scotch her manager had left on the table with a blue ribbon around it and the tag that said “HB, Lily”.At least Vince had the class to just leave the gift and not hang around expecting a lot of attention. It was twenty-five year-old scotch, and Lily tasted every one of those years going down her throat.

A knock came at the door. Lily didn’t bother pretending to be warm and friendly. She turned around. It was Mary.

“Good show,” she said. It was probably the most Mary had said to her outside of rehearsal in a week.

“Thanks.” Lily wanted to be alone, but also wanted to ask Mary in.

Mary continued leaning in the doorway as if there was no other place on earth she was supposed to be. “It’s your birthday?”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Yes. For the love of God, don’t tell anyone.”

Mary gave her a lazy smile. “Don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me.”

“Where are the other girls?”

“With the band, doing lines in Craig’s room.”

“Not you?”

“It’s not my speed.”

A pause fell. “Was that your mom?”

“Yeah.” It was unusual for Mary to be this chatty.

“You don’t like her much, do you.”

Lily was a little sad about it, but she wouldn’t say so. “She’s not my speed.”

Mary cracked a little smile. “I see.”

Lily was filled with an inexplicable anxiety. “Do you… do want some scotch?”

Mary’s smile grew slightly wider. “Yeah, that sounds good.” Mary came in and sat down in a chair near Lily’s, and drank a little of the scotch before speaking again. “So. I been singing with you a while, and I have to ask you: why ain’t you singing what you want to sing?”

A sudden black cloud came and shaded Lily’s mood. “You can tell?”

“Yeah. All that ‘miss my man’ shit. That doesn’t seem like you.”

Lily wonders what she means. Lily is afraid she knows what Mary means.

“Do you know what you want to sing?”

“I don’t think I do.”

Mary sat forward, still in her sparkly dress, and said, “I know what I wanna sing.”

“Do you,” Lily said, a little nervous at the way Mary was leaning forward.

Mary sang:

_“Birds flying high you know how I feel_

_Sun in the sky you know how I feel_

_Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel_

_It's a new dawn_

_It's a new day_

_It's a new life_

_For me_

_And I'm feeling good …”_

The scotch was hitting warm in Lily’s stomach and she couldn’t help but clap delightedly at Mary’s rendition of Nina Simone: her voice was somehow smooth and rough at once, soulful and warm and breaking up at the edges like a vintage amplifier. It was rare to hear Mary’s voice by itself. Normally it was always part of the ensemble behind her. It was so good it almost made her mad.

_“Fish in the sea you know how I feel_

_River running free you know how I feel_

_Blossom on the tree you know how I feel_

_Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know_

_Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean_

_Sleep in peace when day is done_

_That's what I mean…”_

Mary’s eyes were closed, and she was elemental and pure, so natural, the song just coming out of her like a part of her body. Lily could bring a house down, entertain, but she wasn’t sure she’d ever done what Mary was doing now, at least not in front of an audience.

Mary opened her eyes and looked at Lily expectantly. “Come on,” she said softly, “I know you know this song.”

Lily hesitated as if at the edge of a cliff. Was she going she embarass herself in front of her backup singer? So what, she thought. And she sang the last verse:

_“Stars when you shine you know how I feel_

_Scent of the pine you know how I feel_

_Oh freedom is mine_

_And I know how I feel…”_

This song was striking her hard. She wanted to feel good, to feel like her natural self, a thing not clipped and hemmed and pruned and endlessly managed. A thing that grew wild and beautiful and joyful. Lily had the kind of sweet, high voice that came from endless training, but now, for just a moment, it was in the service of singing something she yearned for: to feel good, to feel free.

Mary’s voice came in and joined her at the very end. And over and over together they sang, _“And I’m feeling good…”_

Their blend was striking: Mary knew how to sink herself down into a group, but wasn’t doing that now. She wasn’t hiding behind Lily to support her. She was sharing a moment with her, a feeling.

When the song was over, Lily needed another drink.

“See, girl? You know what you wanna sing.”

The way they vibrated off each other excited something in Lily, made her want to do it all night together. Find some piano bar late at night and just sit and sing Nina Simone all night long till the sun came up. Stagger back to the hotel and pull each other out of their shiny clothes and–

Lily put the brakes on this thought. Even though Mary was looking at her in a way that said she might not mind any of it.

“I know what I want,” Lily said glumly. “I’m just not strong enough to go after it.”

Mary stood up. “That’s a damn shame,” she said softly. “Think about it a little, Lily. You never know.”

Lily felt like Mary could see right through her, right through her clothes, that she was talking about everything that Lily could never bring herself to say. 

She needed more to drink.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please enjoy the song referenced in this chapter: 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLA7sanwnN8

In Philly, Lily talked to the audience about cheesesteaks, which she had never tasted because she still her heard her mother in her head after all this time, scolding her about the fat content. She rooted for the Eagles, who had recently won a game. She remembered where she was and what she was supposed to say, and she did a good set that night. The encore felt alright.

Her mother was right. She was rushing through them. She was tired of these songs.

In afternoon vocal rehearsal before the second night in Philly, after they had run through a couple of things, Lily looked at Mary and said, “Hey. Do you want to sing something with me?”

“What, now?”

“At the show.”

The three backup singers looked at each other in confusion.

Lily smiled at them. “Look. You’re all great. I just want to give you each a chance to shine. Every night, if you want, I want one of you to duet with me. And I’m gonna talk to Craig, I want to start mixing things up a little. I’m tired of the material. And if I’m tired of it, it’s only a matter of time before the audience is, too.”

Ava spoke up first. “What do you mean, mixing things up?”

Lily sat down at the piano in the rehearsal studio. “I mean, I know you all want to do your own projects, but let’s surprise people. Let’s do something different. Pick a few covers you like, or, you know. If you have your own songs, I want to hear them.”

Mary raised an eyebrow.

Lily began noodling at the piano, her fingers running over the keys like reflex, fluid like water. “I just want to give people a treat. Something different. I’m feeling a little stiff and sick of everything lately.” She looked over at Mary. “Come on, how about I have Craig work up that Nina Simone with the band?”

Mary demurred. “I don’t think people are coming to see us, Lily, they’re coming to see you.”

Lily was feeling wanton. “Fuck ‘em.”

Three sets of eyebrows shot up.

“It’s my show. They’ll take what I give them and like it.”

She could swear she heard crickets in the room as the three of them stared at her. Sharing her spotlight was an unexpected move. She knew the look on their faces, the one where they weren’t sure if she was being sincere or had been overtaken by a brain tumor.

“Come on. Mary, it was great, we sounded so good together. And all of you are so good individually. I want to give you a chance to shine. Who knows, maybe something will happen for you, but at the very least you’ll just have a good time.”

They looked at her uncertainly. After an awkward silence, Lily said, “Alright, look, just think about what songs you’d enjoy doing and I’ll have Craig work them up with the band.”

Beatrice was the first to nod smartly and say, “Alright, Lily, I’ll give it some thought.” She picked up her purse. “I’d better get going, I’d like to catch a nap before we hit.”

She walked toward the door with Ava trailing after her. Ava called over her shoulder, “Yeah I’ll totally think about it, Lil…” as she ran after Beatrice. Lily had noticed that Ava always seemed to be following Beatrice like that.

Mary came over to where Lily sat at the piano. “So. Where’d this come from?”

Lily sighed. “It’s just like you said, I’m not singing what I want to.” She looked up, looked at Mary’s dark eyes that gazed warmly back at her, and added, “Maybe this is just my little step of figuring out what it is I’m supposed to be singing.”

Mary slid down next to her on the piano bench. “So you wanna explore a little,” she deduced. “Figure out what you like, what feels right.”

Lily nodded. “Something like that, yes.” She turned, and suddenly noticing how close Mary was sitting, she looked back at her hands, noodling on the keys. She was unconsciously playing something, not really even thinking about it. She was entirely distracted by Mary sitting next to her, could feel the weight of her gaze, and mildly panicked – wanting run away, and wanting to stay exactly there.

“Hm,” Mary said thoughtfully. “Is that Carole King you’re playing?”

Lily paused for a moment, and then the mellow voice of the piano continued tumbling out into the room. “I suppose so,” she said with a nervous chuckle.

“Well? Commit to it,” Mary urged.

Lily stole a glance at her, smiled, and began playing with more rhythmic certainty. Her long fingers knew their way around, could splay themselves across the keys comfortably to touch the most difficult voicings.She started singing:

_“Tonight you’re mine… completely…_

_You give your love… so sweetly…_

_Tonight, the light of love is in your eyes...”_

And Mary joined her for the refrain:

_“But will you love me… tomorrow….”_

Lily wanted to sing songs like these. But first she needed to feel emotions like these: love, longing, doubt.

_“Is this a lasting treasure_

_Or just a moment’s pleasure?_

_Tell me now, and I won’t ask again…”_

And again, together, she and Mary sang with voices that clasped like hands:

_“But will you love me… tomorrow…”_

“Take the bridge,” Lily urged as she played into the next section.She wanted to bask for a minute in the sound of Mary’s voice alone, in all its splendor.

The piano swelled as Lily pushed the song along. Mary’s voice sounded so good, the wear and tear in it so perfectly right for the song.

_“Tonight with words unspoken_

_You say that I’m the only one_

_But will my heart be broken_

_When the night meets the morning sun?”_

Mary had had that doubt. She had loved someone and didn’t know whether it would last till the morning. She had given herself to someone and didn’t know whether she would get back what she wanted. Lily knew it. You couldn’t sing it the way she did unless you had. It was the thing Lily had been missing. The thing that made her performances feel more and more phoned in.

They joined in a perfect harmony for the final verse:

_“I'd like to know that your love_

_Is a love I can be sure of_

_So tell me now and I won't ask again_

_Will you still love me tomorrow?”_

They repeated the refrain, and the last piano notes faded out, and Lily screwed up her courage, and turned her head. Mary was looking at her with such softness. Lily felt her cheeks flush.

“That was nice,” she whispered.

“It was better than nice,” Mary said.

Lily’s mother’s voice was in her head, warning her that her career could be jeopardized if people found out about what she really was. She was terrified of people abandoning her.She needed the validation and love from the stage so badly. But that was a fake her, that was a curated her, the self she presented on the stage. She didn’t even know who the real her was, not entirely. She had spent her entire life as a vessel for other people’s ambitions.

“Mary,” she said in a very small voice, “how long have you been singing with me now?”

“‘Bout two years.” Mary’s shoulder was pressed against hers.

“So why now?”

“Why what now?”

“Why are you… trying to be…” Lily floundered. She didn’t know what she was even asking. “Why are you talking to me?”

Mary’s right hand reached up and idly tapped at some of the piano keys. “You seemed lonely.”

“You felt sorry for me?”

“I felt sorry for myself. I’m lonely too. It’s easy that way, most of the time. But… it’s also hard. You know what I mean.”

Lily’s skin was in a heightened state of anticipation. She wasn’t even sure why her heart was beating so hard. She looked at Mary’s hand on the keys and how strong and graceful it was. She wondered what it would be like to feel that hand, touching her–

She stopped herself before the thought got too far.

She turned herself to face Mary. “You’re tired of it?”

Mary’s eyes were so gentle and open now, in a way Lily had never seen them. She wanted to fall in. “Aren’t you?” Mary’s hand stopped noodling at the ivories and came up to Lily’s face. “Baby, I just want to be. Don’t you want to just be?”

Lily nodded, dumb and nervous and practically shaking. Mary’s hand was on her face, warm and smooth and smelling of lotion and Cinnabar perfume. “Yeah.”

Lily closed her eyes. She did want to just be. She wanted to do what felt right, what felt natural. And for all her nerves, Mary’s touch felt right, and natural. She looked at Mary through half-closed lids. “You’re going to kiss me, aren’t you?”

“If you want me to, yeah.”

“I do.”

Mary leaned in, and her mouth brushed against Lily’s softly, so soft she could hardly feel it, and then it was pulled away. “More than that, if you wouldn’t mind.”

Mary chuckled a little and pressed in, and it was the softest, sweetest kiss Lily had ever had. In that instant, it was the world turning from black and white to color. Lily needed to kiss her again and again to make sure she wasn’t dreaming it. It was real, Mary was real, her soft, sweet mouth that tasted of clove cigarettes and honey was real.

God, she wanted to write a song. She never wrote songs. She always sang someone else’s. But she was full of songs all of a sudden, like they were bursting from some hidden place.

She pulled back and looked at Mary earnestly. “Listen,” she said, and it sounded absurd even as she was saying it, “I’m not a lesbian, okay?”

Mary snorted. “Okay, baby.” And she kissed Lily again, and it didn’t matter what Lily said she was, she just wanted Mary to keep kissing her.

Her heart seized with a little momentary fear. This was not a private place. What if someone walked in on them? She pulled back. “This isn’t a safe place to do this.”

Mary nodded in agreement. “We can go back to my room.”

Lily glanced around. She was feverish. She wanted so much more than that kiss, and yet? She was afraid of what it meant if she took more than that kiss. “No, I … I think I… I want to spend some time in my head before the hit, if that’s okay with you.”

Mary gave her a cynical look but said only, “Yeah, I get it.”

“It’s not… it’s not that I didn’t like it!” Lily felt the sudden need to assure her.

“Oh I know you did. But now you’re having a freakout. I get it. This ain’t my first rodeo.”

Lily gathered herself up, and hurried toward the door, her flared leg jeans swishing as she walked. “I’m sorry, I really liked it, I just... I’m not ready for anything more.”

Mary shrugged. “Alright.”

Mary was playing cool, but Lily saw a wall go up behind her eyes. She was protecting herself from getting hurt. _I’m doing that, I’m the one making her protect herself, she’s afraid I’m going to hurt her. I can’t be that person._

Lily stopped and turned around to Mary. “Listen, we’ll talk after the show, alright?”

Still wary and a little detached, Mary nodded. “Alright.”

Lily tried to offer a small smile. Mary gave her a noncommittal lift of the eyebrows instead. It felt like a punch to the gut after those wonderful, soft, delicious kisses.

She didn’t want to screw this up.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the song that goes with the chapter   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o31hyNDV2B0

It was Philly when Ava took the first duet with Lily on stage. She decided to bust out a song that was just hitting the charts, "Chuck E.'s in Love", a real jazzy little charmer that Lily liked an awful lot.Ava sang it with a lot of energy, the way she did everything, and kept looking back at Beatrice with shiny, excited eyes.Lily couldn't believe she had been so dense as not to figure out what was going on there; Ava had a giant crush on Beatrice.

It was an easy tune to love, so relaxed, so swinging, and there was a wonderful joy to it that suited Ava's energy perfectly. Lily sang with her, and it was a treat for everyone involved. The audience seemed to actually get excited to hear something unexpected, and Lily loved the chance to be something different. Let someone else share the spotlight. It lifted a burden that she hadn't even realized was a burden till just now.

But to prepare for this, Lily and Ava had a couple of vocal rehearsals alone to agree upon who would be taking what parts. It was in New York that Lily got up the nerve to ask Ava, "So, please forgive me if I'm misunderstanding, but you really seem to like Beatrice."

"Oh, yeah, I do," Ava answered easily.

"But I mean... really, really like her."

Ava smirked, and her eyes got a twinkle of mischief in them. "Oh, Lily, are you just noticing now that your entire backup group is lesbians, finally?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I mean, I know we've sort of kept it professional, and honestly, I'm just so much in my own head, that it sometimes takes me a moment to notice things."

Ava snorted and tried not to laugh too hard. "Yeah, well. Anyway, yeah, Beatrice is playing hard to get, but I am totally head over heels for her, and she'll figure out eventually that she loves me too."

"Are you sure she loves you?"

"Yeah, she does. You know, you don't see her when we're alone sometimes and she just looks at me like I'm an angel, and it's just... well, you know. I mean, I don't know why she's holding back, maybe it's because we work together and all, but it's only a matter of time."

Lily couldn’t imagine having the lens of Ava's energetic, unrelenting affection turned on her. She'd probably die. "Is that right?"

Ava's confidence was mind boggling. "Oh yeah. Mark my words, sister. End of this tour, she'll be my girl."

They ran down the tune, and Ava's voice was so bright and clear and had these wonderful little quirks to it that Lily never noticed when she was sinking herself into the background. 

_“…So he has learnt all of the lines now_

_And every time, he don't stutter when he talks_

_It's true! It's true!_

_He sure has acquired this kinda cool_

_And inspired sorta jazz when he walks_

_Where's his jacket and his old blue jeans?_

_Well, this ain't healthy, it is some kinda clean…”_

It was a charming little song, a song about a woman trying to figure out where her good friend has gone because she's sure that he's fallen in love with someone, but the surprise at the end of the song is that it's her.

_“What's her name?_

_Is that her there?_

_Oh, Christ, I think he's even combed his hair_

_Is that her?_

_Well, then what's her name?_

_Oh, it's never gonna be the same_

_But that's not her_

_I know what's wrong_

_'Cause Chuck E.'s in love_

_With the little girl singin' this song…”_

When they sang it together in Philly, on the stage under those blue lights, standing together at the front, it was magical. It was… fun. Lily couldn’t remember the last time that standing on stage didn’t feel like work. She looked back and saw Mary and Beatrice watching them with big smiles. Lily’s heart felt, for the moment, unshackled. She could almost imagine the surprise of realizing someone loves you, and being excited about it. The audience could feel the difference. They responded with enthusiastic whooping.

Ava hugged her before going back to stand with the other girls. Lily was a little surprised. She wasn’t expecting that.

Lily came offstage feeling high as a kite, and grabbed Mary by the wrist and without a word, dragged her to the dressing room and shut the door.

"You did great," Mary said, smiling, and Lily saw that she was trying to figure out how to respond to the way Lily was acting.

"Thanks, I know, we did. It was... It was fun. This is always work, it's never fun. I... you forget you love music sometimes when you do this and..."

Her breath was shallow and fast, and Mary was smiling at her in a way that said she wanted to share whatever this thing was that was making Lily's heart go like a bass drum, four on the floor. 

"I don't forget I love it," Mary said.

"Yeah, but you're you."

"What's that mean?"

Lily floundered. How to say it? That Mary was a wonder, Mary was the candy surprise at the end of the song? Mary was who she was, twenty four hours a day, when asleep or awake. "I don't know how to say it."

Mary smiled patiently. She wasn’t going to make the first move after Lily had her freakout a few days ago, so she said, "Just try, Lily."

Lily had run out of words. She had run out of music. She pushed Mary back against the door, and with the blood still humming in her veins from the rush of the show, she kissed her, hotly and without reservations. _This is how it's supposed to feel,_ she thinks.

Mary arms snake around Lily's waist and draw her closer."This mean you're... done freaking out?" Mary asks in between kisses.

"I don't know," Lily says honestly, "but for now, I am..." She kisses Mary like she needs it, dying for every little bit, and the feel of Mary's strong arms around her, pulling Lily to her chest... "I feel like myself," she says.

She's never been able to say that. Because she didn't know what "herself" felt like.Right now, “herself” feels like a body that wants to be wrapped around all of Mary.

Mary's hands run down her hair, down her spine, stop at the small of her back. "You wanna come back to my room later?"

Lily sighs.

"It doens't have to be sex. It can just be more if this if you want." She kisses Lily again to underline the point.

"Yes," Lily says after the briefest hesitation. "Yes, I do. I want to go back to your room. And we'll drink, and do more of... this... and see what happens, yes?"

Mary smiles lopsidedly at her.

A knock comes at the door. "Lily?"

It's her mother's voice. "What, Mom?"

Her mother doesn't follow her on tour or come to every last show, but if she's free, she'll pop in a few times over the course of a tour. The specter of her presence hangs over the whole proceedings, quite honestly. You never know when she's going to turn up.

"Are you getting changed?"

"Yes! I'll meet you in the VIP lounge, alright?"

"Alright."

Lily and Mary stand there, staring at each other and holding back laughter.

Finally, after they catch their breath, Lily tentatively strokes Mary's bare shoulder and says, "Listen, I have to go have a drink with my mother, but I have every intention of coming to your room tonight. I'm not freaking out."

Mary smiles. "Don't leave me hanging like you did in Pittsburgh." And she smiles, but there is a cloud behind it, a little haze on that sunshine, because she doesn't want to get hurt and Lily is a volatile substance. She's a creature metamorphosizing in front of Mary's eyes, and her own for that matter, and neither she nor anyone else knows what exactly is going to be on the other side.

“I won’t. I swear.”

So Lily goes and drinks with her mother. She's irritating, but not more so than usual. Mother has one too many cosmopolitans in the VIP lounge and Lily has to have Vince put her in a car service back to her hotel. But Lily's in a buoyant mood the entire time.

If she plays this right, she's going to have friends, real ones, and maybe even fall in love. Mary is a miracle, Mary is a jewel, and the more Lily gets closer to her, the more she sees how Mary shines. Lily wants to give her everything she can.

But everything is a lot. So tonight, she's going to start with a few drinks and rolling around in a hotel bed.She knows she’s crossing a threshold with this. But she doesn’t think she wants to go back. 


	4. Chapter 4

There was something to being your joyful self that propelled Lily to Mary’s door before she could get cold feet and change her mind. She knew that to be a possibility, after all. She was twenty-six and feeling for the first time in her life as if her blood was actually flowing when her heart beat.

Mary answered the door in her soft jeans and a tee shirt that was loose, but still clung in ways that Lily found she rather liked.

“You made it,” Mary said, gentle and wry.

“I did,” Lily answered. “Are you going to let me in?”

Mary stood aside to let her in.

Mary had taken a smoking room, and indeed there was an ashtray with a cigarette smoldering, a half a joint, and beside it, a small incense burner with a stick of something pungent burning in it.

“Set the mood, didn’t you?” Lily joked.

Mary smirked. “This is my routine at night. With or without company.” She gestured to the joint sitting in the ashtray. “Want some?”

“I’ve not actually smoked pot before,” Lily admitted. She had always stuck to the straight and narrow, treated her body as a precision instrument which would be made less precise by the use of such substrances.

But now she wondered if precision was happening at the expense of other things that she wanted more.

Mary shrugged. “Up to you. No pressure.”

“No, I want to,” Lily said quickly. It came out so quickly, she even surprised herself.

Mary chuckled. She sat on the edge of the bed, put the joint to her lips and relit it. After drawing deeply, she held it in for a moment, and then let out a cloud of smoke and a little cough.

Lily watched the smoke curl in front of her, practically jumping out of her skin to know what it felt like.

“I should warn you, your first time, you might not feel anything,” Mary said, passing the joint to Lily.

Lily put it to her lips and took a tiny breath in, drawing in a mix of smoke and air. The presence of it in her lungs felt strange, then uncomfortable, and then her body coughed it out. She sat and coughed for a minute while Mary sat, watching her with amusement.

Mary patted the mattress next to her. “Come here.”

Lily moved next to her. She handed the joint back to Mary, who took another long hit. Then she wrapped her hands around her mouth, and gestured for Lily to come in closer.

It took Lily a moment to understand what she wanted. But then she leaned in, closed her own hands around Mary’s, and when Mary breathed out, Lily breathed in. She breathed in the smoke, and Mary, and the incense smells.

Something loosened a little just then, and she felt like kissing Mary again, so she did. She tasted like weed and peppermint and whiskey and cigarettes. She tasted real. She tasted like something Lily wanted more of.

Mary set the joint back down in the ashtray and then pulled Lily back in to kiss her some more. Lily’s body suddenly wanted much more than this. But she held back, or rather, the unknown held her back. Mary’s hands went into Lily’s hair and her fingers combed through it. “You all right?” she asked Lily after a few minutes.

“Yes,” Lily answered, and she was surprised that it was true.

“It feels good, doesn’t it? To just be?”

“Yes.” Lily kicked her shoes off and drew her whole long frame up onto the bed, pulled her knees up to her chest for a moment. “Can I lay down?”

Mary’s eyebrow lifted a little, but she nodded. “Of course.”

Lily settled into the big, fluffy hotel pillows, lying on her back, looking up at Mary with eager, shiny eyes. She couldn’t put into words everything she wanted to say right now, it was too much all at once. It was the feeling of cracking walls, of breaking out of an egg that she didn’t realize she was in, that she didn’t even know was an egg. It was knowing she wanted more of Mary, so much more, and not quite being able to picture in her head what that would be like.

Mary settled on top of her, looking gently at her. She stroked Lily’s cheek, ran a thumb across her chin. “You scared?”

Lily shook her head. “Not really. I mean… a little, but… it just feels right.”

Mary’s weight on top of her was just right. It was comforting. It kept her anxious energy from making her skitter away. Lily curled her fingers around the back of Mary’s neck and pulled her in for another kiss.

Mary pulled back again. Lily could see Mary checking on her, making sure she was all right.

The words suddenly came to her. “I’m a little afraid of what I don’t know. But what I know, I’m not afraid of.”

Mary kissed her again. “What do you know?”

“I know I like kissing you.”

Lily closed her eyes, and let Mary’s mouth melt into hers; her soft lips, the mingling tastes on her tongue, the gentle but firm pressure of a kiss that said, _I’m not laying claim to you but I’ll take as much of you as you’ll give me._ And Lily marveled that you could say all of that with just a kiss. That you could communicate it that clearly without a single word.

When they stopped for a breath, Mary asked, “What else do you know?”

Lily ran her hands down Mary’s back, fiddled at the hem of her tee shirt, slid up to touch a little sliver of bare skin sticking out. “I know that I like how you feel, and I like touching you, and your skin smells delicious. I know that when we’re like this, it turns me on.”

Mary chuckled. “Good.”

It was the truth, unvarnished and not all that poetic but god, it was the truth. Lily’s hands slipped up under Mary’s shirt and up her back, and Mary sighed, and Lily sighed in response. She wanted to take her time and just get the feel of all that smooth, warm skin under her palms, to imprint it on her memory. Even if there were other girls after Mary, Lily never wanted to forget what it felt like to touch her and kiss her mouth and be excited by her weight and her scent.

Lily let her legs tangle up with Mary’s, and let her body arch up and press into hers. She wanted to _feel more._ “So,” she asked after another long kiss, during which she was running her hands all up and down Mary’s back, “what would happen next?”

Mary pulled back and looked at her. “What?”

“If we were going to do more, what would happen next? I just want you to tell me. I just want to know.”

Mary chuckled and shook her head. “You tryin’ to kill the romance?”

“No, I’m just trying to understand it. I told you, I’m afraid of what I don’t know, and I don’t know what comes next.”

Mary considered this, and then nodded slowly. “I get it.” She lowered herself down so that her whole body covered all of Lily’s, and she murmured so softly in her ear.

“I’d probably put on some music. And then, I’d take your top off, and kiss you everywhere.”

“Everywhere.”

“Yeah. Everywhere.”

Lily pictured Mary’s mouth, Mary’s tongue, making its way down her throat and down to her chest.

“And then?”

“And then I’d touch you real soft. Everywhere.”

“Everywhere.”

“Yeah.”

“And then what about my pants?”

“They’d go, too.”

“Gentle?”

“Yeah. Real gentle. I’d spend some time, getting to know… her.”

This was the most specific thought that Lily had entertained, and she immediately wanted to know more. “How?”

“I’d touch her a little, play with her, try and see what she liked.”

Lily’s heart sped up. “And when you found it?”

“I’d give her more of it.”

“With your fingers?”

Lily was full of intense longing, wanting to know everything, not wanting to be afraid of it anymore.

“Yeah. But with my mouth, too. My lips. My tongue. I’d kiss her till you were singing Hallelujiah.”

Lily moaned. Her body wanted to know what Mary would do with it. She was hungry for it. Her breathing thickened, caught in her chest. “I want that.”

“Now?”

Lily paused. She wanted to wait. Could she, though? “Just keep kissing me, and let’s see what happens.”

Mary picked herself up onto her elbows. She reached out to the side table and flicked on the radio. A sweet, slow jam, Linda Rondstadt’s “Ooh Baby Baby” came on. Perfect music to get romantic with.

They kissed, deeper, warmer, rubbing themselves against each other, pressing in and in. Lily was too hot. She wanted out of her clothes.

“Mary?”

“Hm?”

“I’m hot.”

Mary chuckled again. “Yeah, I can tell.”

“No, I mean. I’m hot. I’m…” She gave Mary an earnest look. “I’m wearing too much clothing.”

“I think I can help you with that.” Mary looked at her, smiling lopsidedly before reaching out and flicking off the bedside lamp.


End file.
